The trouble with being me
I suppose this list is just a laundry list rather than a statistical value being assigned to each one. Long story short, these are in no particular order. It is almost 1 A.M. & I’m just rambling for the sake of getting these things off my chest. For all I know, I’ll read this tomorrow & think that these “problems” aren’t problems at all. Maybe it’s just someone else’s problem, not mine. I’m just me. And I’m avoiding the physical imperfections, because I could go on & on as to why I’m terribly unattractive. Yet, for some reason, people come into my life & actually think I’m not repulsive. At any rate, this is what I think:
-I’m too impulsive. I rush in because I’ve adopted a mentality of why wait. But maybe I should stop & smell the roses. Perhaps I’m a product of this “microwave culture” we are living in. Or maybe I’m just like Veruca Salt from “Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory;” No, I don’t want a golden goose (yet that would be sweet) but I have the attitude of “Don’t care how, I want it now.”
-Despite being impulsive & loving the thrill of the hunt as it were, once I get the things I pursue, I bore easily & move on almost as quickly. I’m like one of those dogs at the racetrack. Once they catch the rabbit they are chasing, they can never race again. There ya have it; if I were a Greyhound, they’d have shot me by now.
-And speaking of being a dog, I’m terribly reckless with other people’s emotions. I don’t think it’s intentional, but I have been known to break a heart or two. Why? I’m not sure, although I think the boring easily & quickly attitude has something to do with it. I know I don’t set out to hurt people, most of the time, but I have done so. Granted, I know everyone has hurt someone else at some point, but I feel like that’s what I do best in a relationship. I haven’t been in a fight since 6th grade, so I suppose I do my damage emotionally. I have often wondered aloud why I can’t find the right woman to be mine & only mine. Several women throughout my life have tried to claim that title & it hasn’t worked out that way yet. I have even found myself trying to ask God, or whoever is in control out there, why I’m always being hurt & why I can’t find someone when I’ve been a good person. Maybe I haven’t been a good person. Maybe the reason God hasn’t sent me a woman is because he is sick & tired of watching me hurt them. Sometimes, enough is enough.
-I think I’m in love with the notion of being in love. Let’s face facts; being in love is about as great a feeling as one can have. The people that experience true love & those that experience fleeting love both feel the same thing. I can’t describe love. If I could, I’d be making money writing this as a book rather than as a blog. But at any rate, that feeling of being in love with someone, having someone love you back, it’s one great emotion. So why can’t I be content? Why do I feel the need to look for something or someone else? There isn’t always something better out there. I’ve done a lot of stupid things because I’ve wondered the age-old question of “What if?”
-I let people in only to push them away. It’s not necessarily a love thing, but it has been that as well. People in my life come into my world & they ask what’s going on with me, innocently I might add, only to have me throw my need for privacy in their face. I don’t have a need for privacy. Sometimes I just don’t wanna talk to people. Other times, I shut down & just throw up the wall. Kicking people to the curb is easier than having them get close & hurting you. But just because they are close doesn’t mean they are going to hurt me. But why take that chance right? And I wonder why people leave me. I’d leave me too.
-Despite my generosity & willingness to lay my life down for my family & certain close friends, I’m incredibly selfish. Everything I see, I view as having an angle. A way to play it. I know not everything should have personal benefit, but I look for some way to get something for me. Why do I feel the need to play “Let’s Make A Deal” when I could easily just give without getting? How sad is it that I really think I’d have given more blood in my life at this point if I had found a way to sell it & not just donate it? That’s horrible.
-I want to work in radio, but hate talking on the phone…what’s the deal with that?
-I like to think of myself as very deep, emotional, intellectual & having many layers. But maybe I’ve romanticized myself. Meaning, perhaps I am only skin deep. Maybe I really am a shallow, heartless, selfish S.O.B. I wonder if that cynical saying that smarmy know-it-all’s came up with in the 90’s is really true when it comes to lil’ ol’ me; maybe I am special, just like everyone else.
-Wouldn’t it be great if I had a wonderful excuse like having too many adult beverages as my reason behind this output? I could lie, start mis-spelling a word or two to sell that concept, but the fact is I’m stone sober. I’m not advocating drinking, but after reading this, if you were me, wouldn’t you indulge in a few drops of grown up Kool-Aid?
Now is probably a good place to stop. I think I covered some good ground & certainly got a lot out there. Not sure if anyone will even read this or if this will end up being a glorified “Dear Diary” entry for me. I’ll put it out there for public consumption & go from there. I wish this could be some great experiment in therapy & start me on the road to recovery, but I’m sure nothing will change & I’ll remain the same moody moron I currently am.
-I’m too impulsive. I rush in because I’ve adopted a mentality of why wait. But maybe I should stop & smell the roses. Perhaps I’m a product of this “microwave culture” we are living in. Or maybe I’m just like Veruca Salt from “Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory;” No, I don’t want a golden goose (yet that would be sweet) but I have the attitude of “Don’t care how, I want it now.”
-Despite being impulsive & loving the thrill of the hunt as it were, once I get the things I pursue, I bore easily & move on almost as quickly. I’m like one of those dogs at the racetrack. Once they catch the rabbit they are chasing, they can never race again. There ya have it; if I were a Greyhound, they’d have shot me by now.
-And speaking of being a dog, I’m terribly reckless with other people’s emotions. I don’t think it’s intentional, but I have been known to break a heart or two. Why? I’m not sure, although I think the boring easily & quickly attitude has something to do with it. I know I don’t set out to hurt people, most of the time, but I have done so. Granted, I know everyone has hurt someone else at some point, but I feel like that’s what I do best in a relationship. I haven’t been in a fight since 6th grade, so I suppose I do my damage emotionally. I have often wondered aloud why I can’t find the right woman to be mine & only mine. Several women throughout my life have tried to claim that title & it hasn’t worked out that way yet. I have even found myself trying to ask God, or whoever is in control out there, why I’m always being hurt & why I can’t find someone when I’ve been a good person. Maybe I haven’t been a good person. Maybe the reason God hasn’t sent me a woman is because he is sick & tired of watching me hurt them. Sometimes, enough is enough.
-I think I’m in love with the notion of being in love. Let’s face facts; being in love is about as great a feeling as one can have. The people that experience true love & those that experience fleeting love both feel the same thing. I can’t describe love. If I could, I’d be making money writing this as a book rather than as a blog. But at any rate, that feeling of being in love with someone, having someone love you back, it’s one great emotion. So why can’t I be content? Why do I feel the need to look for something or someone else? There isn’t always something better out there. I’ve done a lot of stupid things because I’ve wondered the age-old question of “What if?”
-I let people in only to push them away. It’s not necessarily a love thing, but it has been that as well. People in my life come into my world & they ask what’s going on with me, innocently I might add, only to have me throw my need for privacy in their face. I don’t have a need for privacy. Sometimes I just don’t wanna talk to people. Other times, I shut down & just throw up the wall. Kicking people to the curb is easier than having them get close & hurting you. But just because they are close doesn’t mean they are going to hurt me. But why take that chance right? And I wonder why people leave me. I’d leave me too.
-Despite my generosity & willingness to lay my life down for my family & certain close friends, I’m incredibly selfish. Everything I see, I view as having an angle. A way to play it. I know not everything should have personal benefit, but I look for some way to get something for me. Why do I feel the need to play “Let’s Make A Deal” when I could easily just give without getting? How sad is it that I really think I’d have given more blood in my life at this point if I had found a way to sell it & not just donate it? That’s horrible.
-I want to work in radio, but hate talking on the phone…what’s the deal with that?
-I like to think of myself as very deep, emotional, intellectual & having many layers. But maybe I’ve romanticized myself. Meaning, perhaps I am only skin deep. Maybe I really am a shallow, heartless, selfish S.O.B. I wonder if that cynical saying that smarmy know-it-all’s came up with in the 90’s is really true when it comes to lil’ ol’ me; maybe I am special, just like everyone else.
-Wouldn’t it be great if I had a wonderful excuse like having too many adult beverages as my reason behind this output? I could lie, start mis-spelling a word or two to sell that concept, but the fact is I’m stone sober. I’m not advocating drinking, but after reading this, if you were me, wouldn’t you indulge in a few drops of grown up Kool-Aid?
Now is probably a good place to stop. I think I covered some good ground & certainly got a lot out there. Not sure if anyone will even read this or if this will end up being a glorified “Dear Diary” entry for me. I’ll put it out there for public consumption & go from there. I wish this could be some great experiment in therapy & start me on the road to recovery, but I’m sure nothing will change & I’ll remain the same moody moron I currently am.
Comments